On Thursday, the funeral, I spoke about Brenda. I worked all week on a message to give at the funeral. I rewrote the message 4 times. I wasn't looking for the message to be "perfect", I just wanted it to be "right". I' had a few people ask about what I said and a few wanting a copy of the message. Those of you at the funeral witnessed me struggling emotionally to get through this message, and 4 days later...it isn't any easier. Here it is.
Brenda Lynn Beard
The first time I met Brenda, I was puking my guts out after a long night of drinking. You see, Brenda and Heather's nephew, Jordan, drove to Upper Iowa University to spend the weekend with Heather. I was supposed to meet Brenda that weekend for the first time. What I should have done was stayed at home on that Saturday night, got a good night's rest and be somewhat presentable when I met my future mother-in-law. Instead I chose to go out with my friends, drink every alcoholic beverage in sight until four in the morning and then try to pull off getting up on Sunday morning and meeting Brenda. Well, I made it to Heather's apartment and met with Brenda for about five minutes before I made a mad dash to the parking lot and proceeded to puke my guts out. Heather later told me that Brenda looked out the door and said, "Heather, I think your boyfriend is puking in the parking lot" while laughing hysterically.
Brenda and I used to laugh about that story all of the time, but truth be told, I was awfully concerned for a short period of time after it happened. I was quick to learn that Brenda was a pretty forgiving person and didn't rely much on first impressions. I also learned that Brenda was the type of person that could take life's little imperfections and laugh at them.
Early in my relationship with Heather, I tried to put Brenda's mind to ease with the fact that I would take care of her daughter. Brenda took a big leap of faith in me by allowing Heather to move five hours away to northern Wisconsin to live with me. She always allowed Heather enough space to make and learn from her own mistakes, but was always there to help pick up the pieces if needed. She never expressed any concerns to Heather about whether or not I was good enough for her daughter. She just seemed to have faith........faith in us.
Heather tells me stories about how tough Brenda was during her childhood. Heather admits that they didn't have much, but what they had, Brenda worked hard to get. Heather says her mother did the best she could to provide all the best things for Heather, even if that meant working a little extra. I came into Brenda's life when she was driving a school bus and working as a teaching aid with Kari. Brenda always talked about how much she loved working with Kari and never considered it to be a job. She then moved on to be a cashier at Wal-Mart. There she made many work friends and loved meeting people. She used to wear a shirt underneath her Wal-Mart smock that said, "MY JOB ROCKS!" and had a big thumbs up on it. One of Brenda's worst days was when she had to leave her job at Wal-Mart due to disability. Even though she was no longer employed at Wal-Mart, there was still a part of her connected to the store. I believe that her wonderful co-workers had a big hand in her feeling this way.
When Heather and I got married, Brenda was so concerned about making the wedding perfect for Heather and me. All we wanted was for her to be there and have a good time. Brenda had a permanent smile plastered all over her face that day. In a slow dance, Brenda told me that she had considered me family for quite some time, but was finally glad it was official. This was the first time that she had ever communicated anything verbally like this to me and I will remember it always. There were a few things that were said throughout the years between Brenda and I that no one else will ever know about.....and that's the way it will remain.
As Brenda's health started to fade little by little throughout the years, we finally received the message from her doctor that she should spend more time with her grandchildren, as there was no telling how long her health would hold up. Brenda loved her two grandchildren, Dylanne and Micheala, and they reciprocated that love to her. Brenda decided to move to the senior living unit in our hometown of Urbana to be closer to all of us. Heather and I anticipated that this would test our relationship with her, but were willing to take that risk so that Brenda could be closer to all of us in her final years. We had our patience tested quite a bit with her inability to pick up the phone when we called and her short lived visits at our house. No matter if it was taking her to get groceries, running her to her doctor's appointments, offering her financial support or her calls at 10 pm to run up to the gas station to get her a 12 pack of Coke and 2 packs of Pall Malls, we always did it because she was and will always be our mother. She used to tell me after running these errands that I was her favorite son-in-law. When I would tell her that I was her only son-in-law, she would quickly and sarcastically reply, "Well I sure in the hell am glad that heather picked you!" That 30 second banter would always make me smile.
On Saturday my heart broke for Brenda's only child, my wife, Heather. They've been partners in life for 30 years and have always relied on each other. Sure Heather was now married to me and we started our own family, but it was a family which included Brenda. Today, i consider myself lucky to be the only one in this room that gets to live everyday with proof of how great of a mother that Brenda used to be. Brenda put Heather through college and helped her pursue her career goals. Heather repaid Brenda later in life by making her a grandmother on two separate occasions. Even through their disagreements, Brenda always showed and told Heather how much she loved her. Brenda was so upset this past Thursday after Heather had taken her to the groceries store and had to pay for half of her groceries. She was so determined to pay us back, and in reality the $40 was not a big deal to us. We just wanted her to be able to eat and be healthy because having her around was repayment enough.
Brenda the grandmother was fun to watch. The girls loved it when she would come up to play and Brenda always offered to baby-sit. Heather and I were apprehensive at first due to her health conditions, but Brenda reassured us that everything would be alright. Brenda would always tell heather and I to go out on more dates so she could watch the girls, she just couldn't get enough of them! She always made the holidays special for the girls. She didn't have much financially, but could always pull off getting the perfect gift for each one of the girls. It was heartbreaking on Sunday morning to hear the girls yell, "Grandma Brenda is here, Grandma Brenda is here!" when we pulled into our driveway with Brenda's car. they were so excited and ran to the car, only to find that Brenda was not in the car. How do you tell a 3 and 4 year old that Brenda has gone to be with God? Not sure if they would comprehend, we explained to the girls that grandma Brenda has gone to heaven with our old Basset Hound, Flash, and was now an angel that would always be watching over us. Dylanne cried a bit and seemed confused on why she was having these feelings. She then became jealous because grandma Brenda now gets to play with Flash. Dylanne also showed some traits of Brenda this week. In a conversation that Heather and I were having about whether or not to have Brenda laid to rest with her glasses, Dylanne pipes into the conversation and says, "Duh, why does she need her glasses, she's sleeping!" This was such a reminder of how some people could complicate the littlest things in life, when Brenda often found a simplistic solution to the problem.
Heather had to make a tough decision Saturday night that required her to be unselfish and let Brenda go be at God's sided. As painful as it was for all, we could not watch her suffer anymore. Everyone who had the opportunity to interact with Brenda has a funny of memorable story of her and that is what I ask of you to remember. Remember the good times with Brenda and not her sudden passing. Remember the times she drove your kids to school on the school bus, cooked for your relatives at the senior living unit or greeted you with a friendly smile as she checked you out at Wal-Mart. Remember her cartoon dog laugh, her potty mouth and her unconditional love for little ones closest to her heart, specifically Dylanne, Micheal, Jordan and Brendan. Celebrate her life and do not mourn, as this would be her final wish.
I can honestly say that Brenda was a one of a kind person and I loved her for that. I loved her for the things that she did that got on my nerves; I loved her for her kind heart. I loved her for her stubborn attitude; I loved her for her efforts to please others. I loved her for the stressful times she put us through; I loved her for the times we laughed. I loved her for the times we smiled and I still love her for this time in which we cry.
Before we lay you to rest today, Brenda, you must know that you will always be in our hearts, thoughts and souls. I thank you for your daughter, my wife, Heather and for accepting me into your family. I promise that I will never try to take your place in Heather's life, but will always take care of her until my day comes to be with God. When that day comes, I know I will see you once again in heaven......sitting on your recliner..........drinking a Coke.........and watching COPS. For your sake, I just hope heaven has cable television.
Bless all of you that came to celebrate the life of Brenda Beard. Heather and I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers throughout the week. Your efforts are greatly appreciated and mean the world to us. Thank you again from our hearts to yours.
Mike Schrock
May 8, 2008
As hard as it was to read this, it really helped me get through the week.
Thanks readers for allowing me to vent. I know it's OUR BLOG, but I feel bad for dumping on people. The next blog will be more cheerful! Thank you again to all. I'm no sure why my paragraphing is all fudged up, I apologize.
2 comments:
Such a moving update filled with so much love. We all have our special memories of Brenda. I will continue to pray for you as you go thru many emotions in next months and beyond.Tears will come and go when you look at a bottle of coke, a car driving down the road or a shirt like she wore. Heather, You know I am always here for you and always will be. Love you. Jan
That was very sweet and very honest. Brenda sounds like she was a wonderful mom, grandma, mother in law, and overall good person. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care all of you.
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